I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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