I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
