if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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