my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
