just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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