Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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