Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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