the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
