she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
