god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
