oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
