Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
