Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
