theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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