So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you had me at cake vodka
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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