I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I checked into jail on foursquare
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize