I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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