A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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