when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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