Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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