I'm going to jail i love you
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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