I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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