Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
