He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
