I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
