tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The Olympian is in my bed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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