My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
