sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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