the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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