So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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