Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
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you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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