6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
