just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
