i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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