If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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