my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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