Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
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I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!