I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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