I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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