The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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