Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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