I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
