So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
