fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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