So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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