A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
