dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
