im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
