Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
