You made me cry and you don't even care
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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