a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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