For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
