you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
