I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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