I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
